Triggers

I initially wrote this on paper because I wasn't near my laptop when I really wanted to be.
I am fighting the urge to pick at my skin. Bite my fingernails. Down a bottle of wine. I feel so close to hopping on the bus and heading to the nearest liquor store.
For the next two weeks before rehab, I am staying at my parents place. This is helping me save half a months rent I'd be paying at my apartment otherwise.
This is not the best situation to be in.
I have two younger brothers that live with my parents. The youngest and I have always had a good relationship. The elder, who is 20, and I have butted heads our entire lives. He in particular got worse after puberty. More spiteful, angry and aggressive toward me. Since I've been back I've had countless insults and threats hurled at me. I've been ignoring him but it's been difficult. At one point I was in the bathroom, half washing my hands, half waiting for him to leave the general proximity, when I began to feel overwhelmingly trapped. I anxiously started to pick at a scab on my arm, but quickly (surprisingly quick) stopped myself. My fingernails went straight into my mouth and before I was aware of it, I was biting. I am amazed at how unconscious these habits have been--and how discreetly they are triggered.
Basically...I have been thinking about alcohol all day. I have been dying for a cigarette, but my parents don't know about my smoking and unbelievably enough I am more worried about them finding out than my alcohol addiction (I have told them about my drinking and rehab, and I've been lucky to have received their strong support).
Damn...I'm not a fan of living under my parent’s roof...I feel like a teenager again, thinking about sneaking around to have a smoke...
But if I do keep up smoking until rehab (where nicotine is not permitted) I should 'fess up...because I suppose honesty is what this is all about.
Anyway--to get my mind off of things I want to do but can't, I have been doing laundry, folding, unfolding and refolding clothes and packing things in preparation for rehab (anxious much?) I so wish I had some yarn right now so I could get into some crocheting...to keep my hands busy and mind at ease...